August 27, 2012

My Husband Is Trying to Kill Me and Other Stuff




Okay, maybe my husband isn't trying to kill me...but I'm beginning to think that he IS trying to permanently maim me. Here's why:

Incident #One: We were unloading groceries from Sam's club. I was busy throwing milk, Coke Zeros, etc in our garage refridgerator (yes I am one of those suburbanites) when hubby set down a stack of juice boxes behind me. HE claims that he thought that I knew that he put them there, but of course being the writer that I am I was fully in my head, humming tunes to myself and thinking plot points and the like as I organized the fridge, sooo when I backed up to go get more groceries I never even saw the stack of juice boxes and well, I stepped into them, lost my balance, had time to go what the? in my head and then I was spinning like a drunken ballerina, finally landing on the concrete floor by way of my hip then wrist, then face. Walking with a slight limp now.

Incident #Two: (same week) We were in bed (no, this is not going anywhere naughty) and I leaned over to kiss him and he ELBOWED ME IN THE FACE. He claims he was "adjusting his pillow" but I think we can all see the pattern starting to develop here. The man has it out for me. Now I have a swollen lip AND a limp. I AM SO PRETTY RIGHT NOW...time for that author photo shoot, right? I would look slightly deranged and dangerous...it could sell books, right?

The only upside to my injuries? They've guilted him into taking me to IKEA later today.

As for the other stuff....

Tropical storm Isaac is descending on us today....as well as a bunch of republicans. BUT neither will keep me from furniture shopping!!!

Kids are home from school because of said storm...it will be a month before they're in school for a full week at this rate. Gah!

I have recently discovered Godiva milk chocolate salted caramel candybars at CVS...which is less than a mile from my house...way, way too close. Have already consumed one. (there goes my diet).

7 comments:

  1. lol Two incidents starts to look like a pattern. Don't go to sleep, Amy!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I was going to make a coherent comment and then I read "Godiva milk chocolate salted caramel candybars at CVS" and my brain melted. Mmmmm. There's a CVS just down the road from me...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Get in the car and go get one. BUT just so you know...the candybar is giant-sized so buy with caution. I ate the whole thing in two days.

      Delete
  3. Replies
    1. Too lazy to get help, but am watching him like a hawk:)

      Delete
  4. Oh no! Hope the limp is all healed up and you're okay.

    My husband had punched me in the face when he was asleep once. Supposedly an accident and had stepped on my feet numerous times. He's just accident prone. Some of us are. *sigh* Be vigilant!

    ReplyDelete